For Immediate Release

News Flash:

-Carbon is heating up the earth.
-This heat will cause the polar ice caps to melt.
-We will die from floods and drought.

Brought to you by the association of failed presidential candidates and Hollywood actors who never studied science in their entire life.

We will now take questions from those who agree with us.

Yes you sir, the good looking bald man.

Is there any solution to this crisis?

Yes, stop using all sources of carbon.

Right....so no coal, oil, or natural gas usage.

Yes.

Right....won't we get cold and live in the dark?

No.

Right....why?

Because we will use alternate forms of energy.

Right....so you mean nuclear?

No.

Right....and why not?

Nuclear is bad, we decided that in the 1970's.

Right....so we will be cold and live in the dark?

No, are you a stupid good looking bald man? We answered that already.

Right....so what will we use to stay warm and have light?

We will use the sun and the wind.

Right....I live in Alberta and it's dark 18 hours a day in the winter. The wind does blow, sometimes, except when it's really cold, like 40 below cold, the kind of cold that kills you rather quickly. Can we make a fire?

No.

Right....so about this nuclear.

No.

Right....now what if, and I'm just pie in the sky here so bear with me. What if sun and wind don't quite cut it for everyone? People would die right?

Well, maybe. But it's the price we have to pay.

Right....so about this nuclear, what did we decide in the 1970's?

The radioactive waste lasts forever. We don't want that, and if something goes wrong we could all die. You really are a stupid good looking bald man.

Right....so the carbon is killing us, the nukes will kill us, and the lack of sun and wind will kill us. It seems to me we are just choosing the way we want to die.

Right.

What if carbon isn't warming the earth?

Oh you stupid good looking bald headed moron, everyone knows it is.

Right....so we're 100% sure on that?

Yes.

Right....so you do realize that the only real alternative to carbon based energy is nuclear, nothing else can produce enough energy for us to maintain life on earth as we know it.

Well, we know it, but we don't like to bring it up.

Right....but if carbon really was going to kill us and nuclear would stop the carbon then it would make sense to eliminate all carbon based energy and use nuclear as soon as possible.

No, and we're not going to say this again, radioactive waste.

Right....let me put this another way if you collapsed right here due to a heart attack and thought for sure you were going to die and I was a heart surgeon and I said I could cut you open right here and massage your heart until help arrived and this would give you a slight chance to live would your first and only question be, is that going to leave a scar?

Security!!!