4/05/2012

'I Have a Dream'




Well actually I had a dream.

It went something like this.

Working Title: Thomas and I

Characters: Solfest, a middle aged bald man
Mrs. Solfest, a not so middle aged beauty
Dr. Thomas Sowell, genius

Act I:
Scene: Solfest and Mrs. Solfest are asleep in their bed after a night of wild s.......ouch! (Mrs. Solfest reads over the author's shoulder and slaps him across the back of the head)

Oh hi honey, let me try that again.

Scene: Solfest is tossing and turning in his bed while mumbling incoherently.
Solfest: Don't shoot, Don't shoot, you're a pacifist!

Sowell: I'm not a pacifist you idiot, you broke into my home, I'm packing heat and I'm not afraid to use it!

Solfest: Wait, wait, this will all make sense in a minute. I mean I love you! Wait a tic, that didn't come out right.

Sowell: What are you some kind of perverted lunatic? I'm going to shoot you between the eyes and display your corpse on my front porch!

Solfest: No, No, I can explain, hey that is something you would do, (Solfest smiling) I mean display the corpse, like in the old west, I read all those Time Life history books, you ever read those?

Sowell: Shut your mouth asshole!

Solfest: Hey now watch the potty mouth, your junior high school teacher, what was her name, Ms. Simon, ya that's it, Ms. Simon, she wouldn't stand for any of that language now would she?

Sowell: (stares in disbelief) Who are you?

Solfest: (now beaming) I'm from Canada.

Sowell: Wonderful, did they ask you to leave?

Solfest: (roaring in laughter) No, No, I knew you were funny, that's a good one, did they ask you to leave, that's funny.

Sowell: (gun still pointed at Solfest's bald head) What are you doing in my house?

Solfest: Well I drove all the way down here cause I wanted to meet you.

Sowell: I have a secretary.

Solfest: Right, right, yes that may have been better. But I know you like baseball and I like baseball, I coach my son's team (Solfest looking desperately for approval) (none forthcoming) so I knew that you had seen Field of Dreams and I, uh, I, uh, well.... you're black.

Sowell: You're a genius.

Solfest: (nervous laughter) No, no, you're the genius,....I'm white, I mean, you know the scene where Kevin Costner tries to kidnap James Earl Jones?

Sowell: You're here to kidnap me? A skinny assed white bald headed un armed Canadian moron is going to kidnap me? (gun still pointed at Solfest's bald head)

Solfest: (more nervous laughter) No, no, I just thought you would appreciate the scene.

Sowell: So you broke into my house?

Solfest: W.P. Kinsella is from Canada.

Sowell: WHAT!!

Solfest: He wrote Field of Dreams. He was born in Edmonton. I thought it was our destiny to meet.

Sowell: Didn't you say you loved me?

Solfest: (very nervous laughter) No, well yes, but no, I mean I really like you, no, I mean I really like everything you write, I mean everything. It's like you're reading my mind when you write. Everything, I mean, almost everything.

Sowell: What do you mean almost everything?

Solfest: Well maybe the part about no gun control I'm not so sure of.

Sowell: I am.

Solfest: (the most nervous laughter) I can see that. You wouldn't mind pointing that some other direction would you?

Sowell: I would.

Solfest: Ah.

Sowell: What did you plan to do with me after your kidnapping?

Solfest: I wasn't really going to....oh you know that...ah, well I thought we could go have coffee, you know, maybe talk about economics, politics and you know, stuff...... I have a blog.

Sowell: Wonderful. (Sowell moves towards his phone)

Solfest: What are you doing?

Sowell: Calling the police.

Solfest: Ah. So you don't want to talk?

Sowell: No.

Act II

Scene: Solfest decides to make a break for the door rather than try and explain himself to the police.

Solfest: (talking to himself) He's old, 81, his reaction time can't be all that good, just go hard, don't hesitate.

Solfest jumps to his feet and breaks for the door!

Shots ring out!

Sowell wings Solfest in the back of the leg and is now standing over him.

Solfest: Wait, wait, don't shoot, don't shoot!

Sowell: I already shot you you idiot.

Solfest: (sobbing) It's not supposed to end this way.

Sowell: Now I'm going to finish the job. (Sowell raises the gun aiming right between Solfest's eyes)

Solfest: No, No, Wait! We are so much alike..... I think you're my Father!

Sowell: Your Father!! You moron look at your skin, your blue eyes, and I can guarantee you no offspring of mine is INSANE!

Solfest: (whimpering like a small child) I'm colour blind.

Sowell: Good Lord!

(Sowell loads another round into the gun's chamber with a cold hard metallic click and starts to squeeze the trigger nice and slow)

Act III
Scene: Solfest awakens screaming, but in a manly way.

Mrs. Solfest: What on earth is the matter with you?

Solfest: (sticky with sweat) Thomas Sowell was going to shoot me!

Mrs. Solfest: Who?

Solfest: Thomas Sowell, you know that book I've been reading....

Mrs. Solfest (rolling over) Good Lord, go back to sleep.

Solfest: Yes Dear.

5 comments:

Solfest said...

If anyone can find that video clip in a format that doesn't start playing automatically let me know.

Liam Brennan said...

Go to the embed code and change the section near the bottom that says " autoplay:'true' " to " autoplay:'false' "

Solfest said...

Thank you.

DT233 said...

Slow day in the pits, eh?

Solfest said...

Slow month, or two.